Happy fourth birthday

With death and grief comes the familiar saying: “life is short”

For years, that phrase has driven me nuts. It carries this pressure — that life is a race to check things off a list, to squeeze in as much as possible before the clock runs out. To live with the constant reminder that you could die tomorrow, so you’d better do it all today.

But I don’t want to live with that mindset.

I’d rather live life like it’s long.
To take my time.
To be fully present.
To live with intention — something Zade taught me.

Because if life really is short, I don’t want to look back and recall a checklist of accomplishments. I want to remember the moments. The laughter, the messes, the quiet joy. Like the afternoon Nora and I made banana bread together — it took forever, we used way too many dishes, but it was a brand-new experience for her. Her eyes lit up when she poured the flour into the bowl without spilling, when she took handfuls of the walnuts and dumped them on top. And just as I was about to put it in the oven, she started singing “pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake,” which was the first time she’s sang full sentences of a nursery rhyme before. Those are the memories I want to live for.

It’s been four years since Zade passed away — four years since I was pregnant with him, since I gave birth to him, since I held him in my arms. It’s hard to believe how much time has passed. It still hurts to think about the years that have gone by. For so long I lived in auto-pilot mode, and from time to time, I still do. For so long I’ve just been trying to survive the grief. It’s honestly just so sad to think back on.

There was a pre-Azra and a post-Azra.
And only now do I feel like I’m beginning to understand who post-Azra is.

I’ve changed in so many ways, but the biggest change has been in my mindset. I see life differently now. With grief, you start to look at your surroundings so much more, always searching for a sign that they are present, that they are with you. For me, the color orange has always reminded me of Zade - Orange, that’s my sign. I find myself constantly looking around for anything that is orange. Often it’s the sky - especially the sunrise. I wake up early and look forward to the sunrise — that soft orange glow that reminds me of Zade. 

I no longer have the capacity or desire to live a fast-paced life. I’ve slowed down. I’d rather do less, but do it with intention. When I live life like it’s long, I feel like I can truly see it — the beauty in front of me, the simple joys. As the season changes from summer to fall, I find myself actually watching the leaves change color for the first time. I notice things I used to overlook. I feel grateful in a way I never did before.

It amazes me how much Zade’s life continues to shape mine. How much I’ve had to grow, to learn, to adapt. How his memory has inspired the Christmas Drive to evolve and touch so many hearts. The outpouring of love and support from our loved ones has been overwhelming — and so beautiful.

It feels like, for the first time in years, my eyes are open. I’m ready to see the world through Zade’s lens.

Happy 4th birthday, my son - I love you so much.